Oh, neglect

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson
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Oh, how I have neglected you, blog of mine. How my fingers have pined for your textual embrace. Alas, I have been too busy for my words to fill thine ears, and everything I would have said has gone to another... my Inferno. Fanning the flames of my textual existence. My metaphoric rise from a distant figment, to an ever present body of work. So, my dear blog, I return to you now... if only for a moment, so that I might release my fingers to do my bidding upon your milk white pages. For after tonight, only time will tell when I will have a chance to draw upon you again. And time, my dear friend, is a cruel bitch.
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I have found myself in an odd position. I really don't want to be a playwright, and writing my one-man-show has proven one of the most difficult things I have ever tried to do. But, in the midst of my Inferno frenzy, I find myself coming up with plots for other plays I want to write. There is a character I cut from Inferno, that I am in love with... and my mind has wondered and fleshed out several story lines for him to live. My mind jumps to abstract representations of ideas floating aloof in my head. I don't particularly care for Becket's writing, but I find a deep desire to write a show in that style. Writing a scene in the style of Sara Kane has given me a glimpse of something more... for while it is a broken and slightly non-sensical style, that text is some of the most raw and jarring in all of my script. It was written without a censor. And while some of it doesn't make sense, it comes from my heart, not my head. I know I will be writing more once Inferno closes. There is too much going on in my head to let it stay there. But I certainly won't be writing any more one-man-shows for myself. Or if I do... they won't be quiet this personal.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.... Your playing small does not serve the world."

This is something I am struggling with. In my show, I play many different characters, but the one I am having the most trouble with right now is Aaron. Actors always say that playing characters that are most like you are the hardest thing to play. We can be experts at playing villans and people that are completely opposite from us, but ask us to "act natural" and "be yourself" onstage, and we all shy away. Or at least... I do. I have a bad tendency to hide behind characters, and I am doing it right now in my show. I am allowing these other people to me more interesting than Aaron. And people arent coming to this show to see them... they are coming to see me. As vein as it sounds, this show will not work unless I know that Aaron is the most interesting thing ever to have stepped foot on that stage. Sure, I can put on an accent and live in the shoes of one of my personas for a little while, but it is the moments when I am being myself, and being completely open and vulnerable while telling a truly personal story, that become the most compelling and striking parts of the show.
So then, how do I convince myself of that? How do I not shy away from being 'powerful beyond measure'? If I'm going to let go and share these stories, memories, letters, dreams, experiences and feelings with and audience, I need to do it completely and without hesitation.
Until I can do that... my work will only progress so far before it hits a brick wall.

Playing small does not serve the world... and it doesn't serve me as an artist.