----------------------------------------------------------Began rehearsals tonight. After two hours, I left. Frustrated. It seems the more I read my script, the more I hate it. I want to take three scenes, and throw the rest away. Start over from scratch. Now, while I know this is not completely necessary... there is a need to rework a lot of it. And I'm sure it's just the writer in me freaking out, and I know I have been living close to the text for a long time and need some perspective... but I'm in a dark corner right now, and can't find the light. I'll get there.... its just a frustrating process that I have never experienced before.
Sigh....
I don't view this site as a journal, by any means, but a friend recently equated writings like this as "exposure". As though I was letting the paparazzi into my home to look at my baby pictures. As though the thoughts typed in a blog would carry some hidden secret. Or that by reading this you would suddenly become more concerned for my well-being. If I write about a rough day, suddenly it becomes prudent for all the readers to check in and see how I am doing. I don't want or need that. And I really dont want this to carry much over into my daily life. I see this as a pressure valve. I'm letting out steam. Letting my thoughts go so they arent wandering around my head anymore. They are secure in print. I'm just rambling on here... not exposing anything that I wouldnt gladly offer up if we were talking in person. Granted, I might put it more poetically in type over whistful conversation, but nontheless, the facts would remain the same. I find reading someone's journal rather dull. I should hope a blog would engage, and start more thoughts stirring. Read this text or not, I care not... but just know thats all it is... my mind letting off some steam. You don't need to "go into hiding" on your own blog and censor yourself because you know people will read it. Or else, why even keep a blog?? Just write in a real journal.
Sigh...
.... just spilled coffee on my keyboard....
I had an odd dream the other night. I don't believe dreams should give us insight into how to deal with events in our lives, but I do believe that our dreams relate to things that are happening or that are on our minds. Figures in my dreams always represent people in my daily life, and I can usually figure out who... often times they are me (even if they dont look like me in the dream). For as long as I can remember, I would dream about saving people.... or at least trying to. I would always go on these huge adventures... on a quest to find someone. OR, I would find them but there would only be enough room for one person on the helicopter (for example), and I would sacrifice myself in order to save the other person. In Jan. and Feb. I started having nightmares. In them, I was the one who needed to be saved. I was the one running. Running from a murderer, running from death, an explosion, etc.
I believe I used to dream about saving people because I'm used to being very in control of what happens in my life (particularly with my love life). I try to be all things to all people, often without thinking about how much it will put me out. But when it came time to think about what I really wanted, and how it didnt line up with what was happening in my life (Jan. and Feb.), I felt like I had lost that control. I had no control, not only of the situation, but of my emotions. I wasnt running from death, I think it was my heart running from my head. Not wanting to accept the.... idk... end? I don't have nightmares like that anymore, thank goodness.
The other night I dreamt that the head of the theatre department, Linda, was egging my friend Anne. She wouldnt stop, so I picked her up and started choaking her. lol. .... not sure what that was all about. Of course the dream also had me saving my lover, my friends and planning his epic battle against a ship of pirates that was coming to take them all away from me. My dreams are epic.... and should be made into movies, I swear. Minus Linda and the eggs, of course.
Sigh....
I talk about dreams a few times in my show. Not sure if I will keep some of them. This one is a prime example.... all the dreams are one's I actually had.
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(excerpt- Inferno..... maybe....)
Letter to a Lost Lover:
I dreamt about you. You came up behind me, wrapped your arms around my back. My chest. And whispered in my ear "I'm sorry".
I cried for nine days.
Those arms should have been mine. Those whispered words, mine.
"I'm sorry."
-sincerely, yours
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