Oh, neglect

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Marianne Williamson
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Oh, how I have neglected you, blog of mine. How my fingers have pined for your textual embrace. Alas, I have been too busy for my words to fill thine ears, and everything I would have said has gone to another... my Inferno. Fanning the flames of my textual existence. My metaphoric rise from a distant figment, to an ever present body of work. So, my dear blog, I return to you now... if only for a moment, so that I might release my fingers to do my bidding upon your milk white pages. For after tonight, only time will tell when I will have a chance to draw upon you again. And time, my dear friend, is a cruel bitch.
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I have found myself in an odd position. I really don't want to be a playwright, and writing my one-man-show has proven one of the most difficult things I have ever tried to do. But, in the midst of my Inferno frenzy, I find myself coming up with plots for other plays I want to write. There is a character I cut from Inferno, that I am in love with... and my mind has wondered and fleshed out several story lines for him to live. My mind jumps to abstract representations of ideas floating aloof in my head. I don't particularly care for Becket's writing, but I find a deep desire to write a show in that style. Writing a scene in the style of Sara Kane has given me a glimpse of something more... for while it is a broken and slightly non-sensical style, that text is some of the most raw and jarring in all of my script. It was written without a censor. And while some of it doesn't make sense, it comes from my heart, not my head. I know I will be writing more once Inferno closes. There is too much going on in my head to let it stay there. But I certainly won't be writing any more one-man-shows for myself. Or if I do... they won't be quiet this personal.

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.... Your playing small does not serve the world."

This is something I am struggling with. In my show, I play many different characters, but the one I am having the most trouble with right now is Aaron. Actors always say that playing characters that are most like you are the hardest thing to play. We can be experts at playing villans and people that are completely opposite from us, but ask us to "act natural" and "be yourself" onstage, and we all shy away. Or at least... I do. I have a bad tendency to hide behind characters, and I am doing it right now in my show. I am allowing these other people to me more interesting than Aaron. And people arent coming to this show to see them... they are coming to see me. As vein as it sounds, this show will not work unless I know that Aaron is the most interesting thing ever to have stepped foot on that stage. Sure, I can put on an accent and live in the shoes of one of my personas for a little while, but it is the moments when I am being myself, and being completely open and vulnerable while telling a truly personal story, that become the most compelling and striking parts of the show.
So then, how do I convince myself of that? How do I not shy away from being 'powerful beyond measure'? If I'm going to let go and share these stories, memories, letters, dreams, experiences and feelings with and audience, I need to do it completely and without hesitation.
Until I can do that... my work will only progress so far before it hits a brick wall.

Playing small does not serve the world... and it doesn't serve me as an artist.

11:11, I wished for you

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Began rehearsals tonight. After two hours, I left. Frustrated. It seems the more I read my script, the more I hate it. I want to take three scenes, and throw the rest away. Start over from scratch. Now, while I know this is not completely necessary... there is a need to rework a lot of it. And I'm sure it's just the writer in me freaking out, and I know I have been living close to the text for a long time and need some perspective... but I'm in a dark corner right now, and can't find the light. I'll get there.... its just a frustrating process that I have never experienced before.

Sigh....

I don't view this site as a journal, by any means, but a friend recently equated writings like this as "exposure". As though I was letting the paparazzi into my home to look at my baby pictures. As though the thoughts typed in a blog would carry some hidden secret. Or that by reading this you would suddenly become more concerned for my well-being. If I write about a rough day, suddenly it becomes prudent for all the readers to check in and see how I am doing. I don't want or need that. And I really dont want this to carry much over into my daily life. I see this as a pressure valve. I'm letting out steam. Letting my thoughts go so they arent wandering around my head anymore. They are secure in print. I'm just rambling on here... not exposing anything that I wouldnt gladly offer up if we were talking in person. Granted, I might put it more poetically in type over whistful conversation, but nontheless, the facts would remain the same. I find reading someone's journal rather dull. I should hope a blog would engage, and start more thoughts stirring. Read this text or not, I care not... but just know thats all it is... my mind letting off some steam. You don't need to "go into hiding" on your own blog and censor yourself because you know people will read it. Or else, why even keep a blog?? Just write in a real journal.

Sigh...

.... just spilled coffee on my keyboard....
I had an odd dream the other night. I don't believe dreams should give us insight into how to deal with events in our lives, but I do believe that our dreams relate to things that are happening or that are on our minds. Figures in my dreams always represent people in my daily life, and I can usually figure out who... often times they are me (even if they dont look like me in the dream). For as long as I can remember, I would dream about saving people.... or at least trying to. I would always go on these huge adventures... on a quest to find someone. OR, I would find them but there would only be enough room for one person on the helicopter (for example), and I would sacrifice myself in order to save the other person. In Jan. and Feb. I started having nightmares. In them, I was the one who needed to be saved. I was the one running. Running from a murderer, running from death, an explosion, etc.
I believe I used to dream about saving people because I'm used to being very in control of what happens in my life (particularly with my love life). I try to be all things to all people, often without thinking about how much it will put me out. But when it came time to think about what I really wanted, and how it didnt line up with what was happening in my life (Jan. and Feb.), I felt like I had lost that control. I had no control, not only of the situation, but of my emotions. I wasnt running from death, I think it was my heart running from my head. Not wanting to accept the.... idk... end? I don't have nightmares like that anymore, thank goodness.
The other night I dreamt that the head of the theatre department, Linda, was egging my friend Anne. She wouldnt stop, so I picked her up and started choaking her. lol. .... not sure what that was all about. Of course the dream also had me saving my lover, my friends and planning his epic battle against a ship of pirates that was coming to take them all away from me. My dreams are epic.... and should be made into movies, I swear. Minus Linda and the eggs, of course.

Sigh....
I talk about dreams a few times in my show. Not sure if I will keep some of them. This one is a prime example.... all the dreams are one's I actually had.

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(excerpt- Inferno..... maybe....)

Letter to a Lost Lover:
I dreamt about you. You came up behind me, wrapped your arms around my back. My chest. And whispered in my ear "I'm sorry".
I cried for nine days.
Those arms should have been mine. Those whispered words, mine.
"I'm sorry."
-sincerely, yours

heros move mountains

"There is a child in me still... and sometimes not so still."
-Mister Rogers
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I have always loved Mister Rogers. I did not, however enjoy watching his show as a child. It was slow, and rather boring. But I really think what he represented and what he was able to do for the development of children's television is amazing. I wrote my senior thesis paper on his effect on public/children's television. Mister Rogers followed acts like Captain Kangaroo and competed with flashy, low content shows like Seseme Street, but he pushed it to a new level. He taught serious life lessons in every show, wrote all of his own songs, and truly cared about the development of the next generation. When funding for public television was on the chopping block, it was Mr. Rogers that saved it by proving its ability to teach valuable lessons to kids. He convinced the board by telling them the lyrics of one of his songs. Its really cool to see, and the video is on youtube. Look it up. That being said, he was SO underappreciated. His show maintained its slow 70's pacing, while other children's shows changed to fast cuts, bright colors, and puppets. But all those other shows owe their success to him. I may not have watched his show often as a child, but there are so few people creating real, life affirming, developing children's shows these days. The days of Cpt Kangaroo and Mr. Rogers are dying out. And the day Mister Rogers died, was a really really sad day. Rest in peace.

I talk about Mister Rogers not only because I was looking for quotes in one of his books (he has a few books that are just quotes of his- published after his death), but because I think it is important to have heros in your life. Heros like Mr. Rogers, who moved mountains.

I guess the real reason I was looking through the book was because it reminds me of love. and virtue. and what should really comprise a person's moral foundation. Not to say I was questioning my own foundations, but this week certainly has been a reminder that we are all on a quest to find love, and we may not always be looking in the right place. Not to say that there is a "right place" to look for it. I don't think we could ever know that. Love finds us, despite our looking. And saying that, just reminds me of my post a while ago about complicated love. So many opportunities for potential love, and the connection happens exactly where it makes the least sense. But that's a whole other thing that I am not going to jump back into.

Of course, I have a monologue to go memorize... so I'll leave it here. Mr. Rogers. Virtue. Love. Rest in peace. End.