I had 3 hours stolen from me today

"Some days, doing "the best we can" may still fall short of what we would like to be able to do, but life isn't perfect-- on any front-- and doing what we can with what we have is the most we should expect of ourselves or anyone else."
-Mister Rogers
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I have been having some serious writer's block recently.... and I don't mean for my show. I mean for this blog. I simply don't have anything I wanna talk about, or feel like someone would want to read about. Any little scrap of interesting info or insightful commentary I throw into my script, which leaves this blog to sit and grow cobwebs.
So... any suggestions on blog topics, or things you want my opinion on, or things about me you wanna know???? leave a comment. please. thank you.

To actually talk about something:
This weekend and next are packed to the brim with theatre and art. The Phoenix Fringe festival is going on right now with 137 performances in two weekends. Its crazy. I'm volunteering, so I can thankfully see them all for free. Its just a matter of scheduling them in. This weekend I saw some of the best, and some of the worst theatre of my life.

Henry V, put on by the Guthrie Theater at the Herberger, rocked my socks off. It was wonderful. (although, apparently I don't share the opinion of some of my other theatre friends) But after seeing that show, and having it followed by a mediocre one man play, a bizare parade on stage-- put on by a bunch of visual artists, and then one of the worst productions I have ever seen, put on by our very own ASU... my weekend was a resounding reminder that I hate most theatre I go to see.

...and I think this is not something uncommon in theatre. Most of the 'great' theatre practitioners I know, hate theatre as well. Granted, we are surrounded by it all the time and are trained to be overly-critical of everything we see, but it says something about who we are as artists. I find it a necessity to improve and fight for the theatre. To constantly push myself to be better, so that I don't end up stuck in a bad production. OR... if I do end up in a bad production, that it not be because of elements that were within my control. We can be better. We are better.

I fell in love with the production of Henry V for several reasons. One- the acting was superb. And its so hard to find decent productions of Shakespeare these days, because there is a style necessary in the acting of it. Not to say that you need to put on an affected voice, but there is a huge difference between contemporary acting and dealing with verse and complex period text. I felt the majority of the actors handled the text beautifully. King Henry in particular. There was such a great understanding of the text. And King Henry cried prob three times throughout the show. Which doesnt really take much... but it was so truthful. The costumes were also something that really excited me as a designer. They were simple in appearance, but each cast member's long coat was connected by a complex series of zippers. They were able to alter the appearance of the character simply by zipping of lengths of coat, or opening up the side of a sleeve, or undoing the collar. While the show was generally not descript to a certain period, there were flashes of it-- often as simple as a white frilled sleeve hidden under a forearm zipper. Well thought out costumes always excite me as a designer and an actor. I always design things that I would love to wear as a performer.

On the other end of the spectrum.... I had two and a half hours of my life stolen today that I am never going to get back. In recent years, I have lost great faith in ASU theatre. We put on massive productions, trying to include all studies in the school, but they just turn out to be huge cluster-fucks on stage. This production of a beautiful William's play is a prime example. The director, who made the rehearsal schedule based on the cycle of the moon, based a lot of the action in the play on the actor's dreams. As a result, the play had a Geisha, a little drummer boy, a cat woman, and an Incan woman..... completely without reason. Three out of those four didnt even have lines. They added nothing to the play. He cast a show with 30-some odd people when he could have done it with 15. It was just a wild display of over acted, over directed, over designed craziness. I find a lot of the acting techniques at ASU very fascinating... but I would love to see some good acting every once in awhile. Something where the actor has an objective, an action, a physical life....

So, while I experienced both extremes this weekend, I also took a lot away.... Like what NOT to do in my own play. Yeah... I'm an overly-critical artist... but I think you have to be. Otherwise you will end up settling and produce bad art all the time. Bad news bears. Next weekend i'm going to see a min. of six plays. And volunteer all of Sun. I hope you get out and see some art too. There is so much going on all the time. Tempe arts festival, phoenix film festival, art museums, openings, phoenix fringe.... the list goes on. Go and be overly critical like all decent artists.

Like I said... I'm running out of blog topics, and I'm only ten deep with this site. Help. ;)

love rules

"Where love rules, there is no will to power, and where power predominates, love is lacking. The one is the shadow of the other."
-Carl Jung
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A piece from inferno:
Jude:
Mommy always says there is always something more just beneath the surface. Trouble is… Here, I keep drowning trying to find it. The water is too deep and dark. And my legs just aren’t strong enough. Yeah, I miss floating on the surface… But I guess that’s where I always end up, in either case.
No… I don’t know where my red ball is now… have you seen it?

quick note

"Mama said knock you out."
-LL Cool J
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The first draft of Inferno is complete, finally. It still has a really long way to go and a lot of rewrites to do, but its a big step. The writer in me needs a break.

You are my sweetest downfall. I loved you first.

Thought I'd cry for you forever
But I couldn't so I didn't
People's children die and they don't even cry forever
Thought I'd see your face in my mind for all time
But I don't even remember what your ears looked like

And the clock still strikes midnight and noon
And the sun still rises and so does the moon
Birds still migrate south and people move on
Even though I'm no longer in your arms
Thought the mountain would crumble
And the rivers would bend
But I thought all wrong and the world did not end
Guess the maps will just have to stay the same for a while
Didn't even need therapy to rehabilitate my smile
Rehabilitate my smile

Thought I'd cry for you forever
But I couldn't so I didn't...
-Rejazz, Regina Spektor

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That quote really makes me think of my former relationship... which ironically, is not at all what this blog is about. But I thought it spoke to the acidity of emotion. How it will creep into all of our thoughts, whether we like it or not.

Alright. so.... let's talk about attraction for a little while.

We can't really decide who we are attracted to, nor can we change who we fall for once its happened. But what happens when you fall for someone who is already in a relationship?? What happens when the person you like is in the arms of another every single night? And what happens when that person is pretending their lover's arms are yours?? How do you cope with the fact that you are the "other person" being longed for. When you are the person being fatasized about? When you are the "other person"?

It's a complex situation to be in.

You don't want to be a 'homewrecker'.... and yet you spend all of your time wishing that you were.... that they would leave their partner and give it all up for you. All the while, feeling like the mistress hiding in the closet; secretly wishing the husband would leave his wife, but knowing he never would.

And every little flag... every glimmer of hope that they might just come to their senses... gives you hope that a relationship between you and this 'taken' person might work. That it is a fairy tail ending at the end of a war novel... just waiting to happen.

But in the end..... they go home to their partner. They rest in bed with someone else. And you are left alone. Sleeping in silence. In darkness. Praying for the next text message. The message that will signal another little glimmer. and another after that.

A slight flicker that you might just be better than their current partner.

All the while KNOWING that you are. Knowing that you are better than second hand affection and stolen glances. Stolen text messages, sent from bathrooms because they couldnt be sent in front of 'present company'. Knowing that love is not something that you need to steal. Love is not second hand. And should never be treated as such.

I write all of this as an individual who strives for a unique and independent love, but finds himself sucking off of the love of another. Settling for attraction to an individual already in a loving (all be it, not entirely happy) relationship.

Now, there's the rub. As much as I try, I can't help who I am attracted to....

can you??

Granted you can help who you persue a relationship with. You can help who you develop an interest in. But you CANNOT help WHO you are attracted to. Who you connect to. Who you spend your evenings thinking about. Who prevents you from getting work done, cuz they are running through your head all day.

Attraction. Connection. Love.... cannot be helped. cannot, in the end, be prevented.

So? What do you do? What is the solution to be attracted to someone already in a relationship??Stop? .... tried that... didnt work.

I have no solution to offer to this problem. I hate feeling helpless in any aspect of my life, but that is exactly how I feel right now. My love life is out of my hands. I cannot rationalize (cannot use the Stanislovski Method to asnwer) my issues. And I have talked to many people that simply say to "back off".... but I just cant. I'm hooked. I'm addicted and I have no idea how to quit.

It's like I'm a crack addict and am searching for the perfect 12 step program. But like all real addicts, I dont want that program. I want to stay hooked. I want the crack to love me back the way I love it. In a soothing, warming, protective way that I know it is capable of.

I may be young... but I know how I feel. I can't help it... but I am head over heals...

I'm acting on my heart. Not by my head. And that is getting me into trouble. Sweet, sweet trouble.

sigh.... we'll see how things turn out....

Angels and Demons

"I need to wander hell, to find the angels lost in it."
-Me
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I wrote plot points out on small pieces of paper and arranged them on my cork board tonight. I put certain stories under character's names, and slowly discovered the progression of the story. I also found an ending! All this time I was waiting for some brilliant idea to slap me upside the face, but as it turns out, it has been part of my concept all along. Phew!

So, now that I have a scene breakdown, it shouldnt be too long before I have a text to email out.

I have never needed an outline to write before... but then again, I have never written from the perspective of seven different people (telling stories that add another five characters). Now that I have figured that much out, I am feeling a little more in control.

As it turns out, I have more stories from my personal life than I do made up stories. I guess thats what I wanted, but its not really what I was expecting going into this process. It actually took a few friends telling me that particular memories were fascinating and needed to be in it, before I realized just how much they did need to be in my play.

I don't like all of my characters. But they are all real parts of myself. I have been fighting them... and will continue to fight them all the way to the stage.

Margaret is bitter, Gabe is in pain and wont tell anyone, Ariel is too flamboyant for his own good, Asher is a horndog, Malachi is obsessed with a word, and Jude... Jude just had to grow up too quickly and doesnt realize it.
But at the same time.... Margaret speaks with a lifetime of experience, Gabe is smart and calculated, Ariel is fancy-free, Asher is intimate and truly feels others, Malachi is elequent, and Jude is finding freedom in his games.

This post doesnt have much of a point, but it does mark the time I finally nailed down a story arch. Home stretch now...