nothing is beyond reach

"I was asked to act when I couldn't act. I was asked to sing 'Funny Face' when I couldn't sing, and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn't dance - and do all kinds of things I wasn't prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it.”
-Audrey Hepburn
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I'm coping right now with all the impossible things I have asked myself to do. I have asked myself to write, produce, design, and act in my own one-man-show.... and to work on two other plays while doing that.... and remain a full time student.... and try to maintian a job on the side. The impossible. That is what I have asked of myself. Now, how do I do that?

Hell if I know. I'm just trying to cope.

Meanwhile, my love-life is a cosmic joke. but more on that later... maybe...

So then, how does an actor/designer juggle everything and still live a real life? Ask my professor and she will direct you to The Actor And The Target, a book thats been sitting on my shelf, unread, for about two years. Apparently it tells all the secrets on how to deal with the emotional roller coaster that is an actor's life. If I ever decide to pick it up, I will be sure to let you know all of the juicy secrets. Till then, I'll just try to hold on as I fly down each drop into an artistic and emotional revolution.

But, I always seem to pull it off. We all do. Under the extreme pressure of deadlines and our own personal expectations, we always seems to pull a decent piece of art out of our asses. But decent is never enough for me... I'm in constant competition with myself.

That's why I have yet to crank out the 'first draft' of my script. I have enough to piece together into a play, but it just doesnt work for me yet. (not to mention... I still have no idea how to end the damn thing). But, I'm under a deadline, and the powers that be are pushing for something to look at, so I am asking myself for a script. soon. really soon. like within a few days..... and i'll do it!!! I swear.

Anyway, that was my angst filled complaint about how rediculous I am. Onto something else....

A friend of mine wrote a facebook note today about the use of the word "gay". A student in her class used it with the intended meaning: "stupid"........... of course. This afternoon I heard it used in a similar fashion myself. And it got me thinking.

First off, it got me thinking about the use of the word "faggot". I hate, neh loathe, that word. And I'm not sure you can fully appreciate just how much a word like that can rip right through you until you have been called it out of hate. Two years ago I was called it out of hate while at a gas station. I was walking into the store and some bro in a truck (with his bro friends, of course), called out "Hey look at this faggot."... I said nothing, simply looked at him and continued walking. "Yeah!!... You like the dick. Look at you in your trucker hat." I said nothing, simply continued walking.

My lack of reaction seemed to be what was provoking him to continue talking. Thankfully that was the first, and only time I have been called that. But all that sticks-and -stones stuff is crap. I remember that like it happened yesterday, and it lasted all of five seconds.

Now the use of the word "gay" in referrence to someone being stupid, that just goes to support the ignorance of our nation. The fact that it is even still an issue or can be used in that context makes me sad. I truly feel bad for people that use it in that context; that they are... idk, so insecure with their sexuality, maybe?.... or need to reinforce their male brovado?... I'm really not sure at this point what compels people to still use it in that fashion. To cut down an entire community with bigotry and hate. I'm sorry for you, ASU boy.

Anne said it about as well as it can be said... "thanks asu boy, for your continued and astounding idiocy. you've really brightened my day.fucktwit."

I know its an issue we have all talked about at some point, and I am positive we all know people that still use 'gay' in that context. All I ask is that you never use it that way yourself.

On a side note... I am including some aforementioned memories in my play, and in telling one of them, I am going to act out all the members of my family. I will be using a fictional character to tell the story, but they are basically going to be my family. I told them that this was going to happen... my mother said she didnt want to come to the show anymore (kidding... i hope), and my brother is wildly excited to see himself onstage. We'll see how it plays out.

How would you feel about someone acting you out onstage? How would your family feel if you were portraying them??

windy city blues

Alright... so... my night was cut off short, and I am in the mood to move my fingers. Not sure what I'm going to say exactly.... but that doesn't really matter yet. All that matters is that I have a place to write. Call it... stream of consciousness... idk... call it ramblings of a drunken mind....

Whatever you call it... be sure to keep in mind that my mind is in a different place, my body is in a different state (literally), and my spirit is off in the clouds.

Today, I wrote out several painful memories from my childhood, with the intention of using them in my show. While I hated recalling these memories, I think a few of them might be vital to the telling of my show. If this man is truly going on a journey of self-discovery, and if this man is truly me, than there are going to be a lot of painful memories in this play.... and some of them are going to be wildly fun and entertaining for the audience.... What's better than embarrassing stories from my past, coupled with moving times of change?

It is those awkward and painful stories that will make for interesting theatre down the line. People don't want to see my made up stories. They want to see truth. And while I may choose to tell truthful stories through made-up characters, the audience will still be able to connect to them... they will discover the truth behind the text.

While I don't want this show to be one big confessional, I do want there to be a high level of truth behind what I say. I think that will come across to the audience and allow them to connect to the characters. And the more complex the characters (and the more based on people I know), the more interesting and believable they become.

Truth is what makes theatre interesting.... whether is be an actor believing in the text or the literal true stories told by the playwright, truth always plays an important role. I have a lot more to say on the subject, but I am super tired, so I will save this for another night...

Inferno

“[Quarter-way] on the journey of our life
I found myself within a forest dark,
For the straightforward pathway had been lost.
Ah me! how hard a thing it is to say
What was this forest savage, rough, and stern,
Which in the very thought renews the fear.
So bitter is it, death is little more;
But of the good to treat, which there I found,
Speak will I of the other things I saw there.”
-The Inferno, Dante Alighieri
( [ ]- original text: “Midway”)
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I guess I should sum up my show, so when I talk about it you know what I mean. It is based on the passage above, taken from Dante's Inferno. It chronicles a man’s journey through hell. However, unlike Dante’s hell, this man’s hell will be his own dark mind. This sojourner will meet a host of characters along the way that represent parts of himself he is not ready to face. It will literally be a man fighting his own demons.

It's a one-man-show, so I will play the man on the journey and all the other characters. It's semi-autobiographical. I'm also designing the set, costumes, and masks.

I havent finished the script and have a ton of work to do on it. Not sure how its going to end, but its a journey and a process, just like the one the character goes on. We'll see...

Most of the characters are based on architypes that we all have in us: our purely emotional side (in the show, a blind poet), our analytical side (a shrink), our strength (my fallen angel), and our bat-shit crazy bag ladies (Margaret Olivia Bouffet). There are others too...

So yeah, that gives you an idea of where it's coming from.

old poetmen

"The grace of human life is not to lack insecuritites, but to turn them to good use."
-Julius Novick
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Old poetmen have us all beat!!
I grow weary as the minutes tick by.
Can this be all? Is that it?
To have breathed such significance and still be denied
And explanation?
---That’s my hell?
Old poetmen can extemporize for hours,
But what, in the end, have they contributed?
Little more than words.
But what are words?

They are all we have to go on.
They define us.

So in the end, is it the man who contributes
The most thoughtful verse that is the most valued?
And if that be the case, who decides?
We are but little men in this game.
And I feel the smallest yet…

Old poetmen have us all beat.

a forest dark

"A man with a clear head looks at life directly, realizes that everything is problematic, and feels himself lost. And this is the simple truth, that to be alive is to feel oneself lost. And he who accepts this has already begun to find himself, to be on solid ground."

-Ortega y Gasset

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I drew this a while back. He can't decide the right direction to draw his path, so he drew himself in. Very melodramatic.... I know.

I just feel like I'm finally getting a hold of myself. I am finally reaching solid ground.

That's all.

we begin again

"And so each venture
Is a new beginning, a raid on the inarticulate
With shabby equipment always deteriorating
In the general mess of imprecision of feeling.
Undisciplined squads of emotion. And what there is to conquer
By strength and submission, has already been discovered
Once or twice, or several times, by men whom one cannot hope
To emulate-- but there is no competition--
There is only the fight to recover what has been lost
And found and lost again and again: and now, under conditions
That seem unpropitious. But perhaps neither gain nor loss.
For us, there is only trying. The rest is not our business."
-T.S. Eliot
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I once considered myself a writer. I am trying to once again...
I am currently writing my own one-man play. And while the words sometimes struggle to come out in the right order, other times they pour out of me with incredible force. I hesitate to start this blog for fear of revealing too much of myself.... but as an artist, I feel is it vital to bare a part of my soul in everything I do. Or else, what's the point? I am the kind of person who needs to bounce my ideas off of those around me in order to affirm them, or rework them. Dialogue creates debate, and debate creates better ideas. I talk out my issues, and by doing so, I challenge myself and hopefully those around me.
I'm not expecting comments (although feel free to do so), but I am hoping that parts of this blog get you thinking. get you creating. get you willing to push me back.

It wont all be about my show... actually most of it probably won't be... but I just needed a place to move my fingers in the middle of the night when I get the itch.

And so it begins.