You are my sweetest downfall. I loved you first.

Thought I'd cry for you forever
But I couldn't so I didn't
People's children die and they don't even cry forever
Thought I'd see your face in my mind for all time
But I don't even remember what your ears looked like

And the clock still strikes midnight and noon
And the sun still rises and so does the moon
Birds still migrate south and people move on
Even though I'm no longer in your arms
Thought the mountain would crumble
And the rivers would bend
But I thought all wrong and the world did not end
Guess the maps will just have to stay the same for a while
Didn't even need therapy to rehabilitate my smile
Rehabilitate my smile

Thought I'd cry for you forever
But I couldn't so I didn't...
-Rejazz, Regina Spektor

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That quote really makes me think of my former relationship... which ironically, is not at all what this blog is about. But I thought it spoke to the acidity of emotion. How it will creep into all of our thoughts, whether we like it or not.

Alright. so.... let's talk about attraction for a little while.

We can't really decide who we are attracted to, nor can we change who we fall for once its happened. But what happens when you fall for someone who is already in a relationship?? What happens when the person you like is in the arms of another every single night? And what happens when that person is pretending their lover's arms are yours?? How do you cope with the fact that you are the "other person" being longed for. When you are the person being fatasized about? When you are the "other person"?

It's a complex situation to be in.

You don't want to be a 'homewrecker'.... and yet you spend all of your time wishing that you were.... that they would leave their partner and give it all up for you. All the while, feeling like the mistress hiding in the closet; secretly wishing the husband would leave his wife, but knowing he never would.

And every little flag... every glimmer of hope that they might just come to their senses... gives you hope that a relationship between you and this 'taken' person might work. That it is a fairy tail ending at the end of a war novel... just waiting to happen.

But in the end..... they go home to their partner. They rest in bed with someone else. And you are left alone. Sleeping in silence. In darkness. Praying for the next text message. The message that will signal another little glimmer. and another after that.

A slight flicker that you might just be better than their current partner.

All the while KNOWING that you are. Knowing that you are better than second hand affection and stolen glances. Stolen text messages, sent from bathrooms because they couldnt be sent in front of 'present company'. Knowing that love is not something that you need to steal. Love is not second hand. And should never be treated as such.

I write all of this as an individual who strives for a unique and independent love, but finds himself sucking off of the love of another. Settling for attraction to an individual already in a loving (all be it, not entirely happy) relationship.

Now, there's the rub. As much as I try, I can't help who I am attracted to....

can you??

Granted you can help who you persue a relationship with. You can help who you develop an interest in. But you CANNOT help WHO you are attracted to. Who you connect to. Who you spend your evenings thinking about. Who prevents you from getting work done, cuz they are running through your head all day.

Attraction. Connection. Love.... cannot be helped. cannot, in the end, be prevented.

So? What do you do? What is the solution to be attracted to someone already in a relationship??Stop? .... tried that... didnt work.

I have no solution to offer to this problem. I hate feeling helpless in any aspect of my life, but that is exactly how I feel right now. My love life is out of my hands. I cannot rationalize (cannot use the Stanislovski Method to asnwer) my issues. And I have talked to many people that simply say to "back off".... but I just cant. I'm hooked. I'm addicted and I have no idea how to quit.

It's like I'm a crack addict and am searching for the perfect 12 step program. But like all real addicts, I dont want that program. I want to stay hooked. I want the crack to love me back the way I love it. In a soothing, warming, protective way that I know it is capable of.

I may be young... but I know how I feel. I can't help it... but I am head over heals...

I'm acting on my heart. Not by my head. And that is getting me into trouble. Sweet, sweet trouble.

sigh.... we'll see how things turn out....